Coffee + Snow

It seems to me that anyone who has full blown schizophrenia is immersed in a negative and frightening “dream world”: aliens are controlling them through their testicles; the cutlery is bugged and sending their brain codes to the CIA, which is actually a brain erasing society run by centre-earth inhabitants that that speaks in a backward language…etc, etc. 

It is a negative chain of thought that assumes that the universe if filled and run by controlling and devious entities. Yet I have met people who would not deny that the above is possible, but who are fine with it as a possibility because they understand that the universe contains unlimited possibility and that love and acceptance and forgiveness are far more powerful energies. In my opinion, these people are open to the same influences as the schizophrenic but are seeing it all differently. They are putting the negative and frightening thoughts in a non-threatening and fascinating context, energizing and protecting themselves with the positive. 

Again, I have nothing but sympathy for schizophrenics. It may be that the reason young people get the “disease” is simply because they are so young and inexperienced. They have not found their core yet, and are more susceptible to the negative energies in the infinite. These people are very special. I think they have a very well developed third eye but have not mastered it yet. They have not been given the time. They are young and vulnerable…it is certainly not their fault. 

Going further, there is the whole subject of the pineal gland as the seat of the third eye, and the DMT that it naturally produces. Those who have taken DMT have experienced what are called “true hallucinations,” so named because the trippers truly believe that what they experienced was real. I have read that Schizophrenics has a pineal gland “malfunction” in addition to too much dopamine in their brain. I believe there is a connection. 

Also, in some cultures, shamen—who are believed to have a strong third eye are chosen for their position based on an early manifestation of symptoms that we in the West would associate with schizophrenia. They are given concoction that contains DMT and are expected to use the trips to figure out how to properly use their highly developed third eye (although they would not call it that). It seems that many of these young schizophrenics go on to become shamen, finding a balance through their experience that allows them to master their experiences. 

Maybe the problem is that we are not giving schizophrenics enough respect by tagging them with a defective sticker. maybe they are far more remarkable than we know.

Silenceisall; a member of AboveTopSecret.com comment from an interesting thread: Schizophrenia and the Third Eye Used courtesy of a creative commons attribution non-commercial no-derivatives license

As someone who’s own psychedelic experiences were very much linked to greater understanding of myself and some of my repressed or unexplored self. I ultimately ended up straying from the path that my mind had opened up to me which led to a confused state and a diagnosis of schizophrenia and, over time, a gradual recovery with the use of anti-psychotics medication.

I believe I have now found a peaceful way to live with the ebb and flow of my condition and maybe I am finding my feet much like the shamans of this world, able to tread in the spirit world and navigate back to a safe port through the power of my own intuition and insight.

I still get overwhelmed and some of the other states my thinking can throw me into they are uncomfortable or can just wear me down. Despite the toil I try to bring back with me the lessons I learn about myself and use them as a guide to life.

Who said treading in other worlds was easy? It is a journey that takes it’s toll on mind, body and spirit. I feel richer for my experiences and although I still have a lot of fear and guilt I am learning to overcome these crippling emotions through self expression, art, music and meditation.

Stress is still a trigger for my condition and a search for employment as a transexual woman is filled with stressful situations, I press on and try to find a way to lift myself up, hopefully through my art or creative outlets.

An open mind helps me navigate the world and make sense of it and its interconnectedness. I am still finding my world view but am willing to learn from those who have come before me as I believe much knowledge has been laid down ready for us to grasp it.

I would like to add that my schizophrenic episodes were 99% positive experiences so I feel that even then I was navigating with some positive energy. Though my relationship with the real world became more difficult.

I believe I stepped back from the brink thanks to the love and support of my family and my doctors. To aid me on my travels all I can do is read, learn meditate and create to nourish my third eye so I can better traverse the other worlds if I am drawn into them.

As creative type for as long as I can remember I have a strange relationship with copyright. Always entrepreneurial I remember hosting a “gallery show” of my paintings when I must have been five or six and charging not only for entry but, surprising my parents, exit as well.

I have loved to draw and paint throughout my life but my main passion has been photography. Having had the opportunity to study the subject at GCSE and A Level at my school, I excelled at it and enjoyed my time immensely.

I was persistent to say the least in my ambition to get into the London College of Printing to study photography at degree level and was eventually admitted in 2000. I was a promising young student and started my studies with high grades especially in the practical modules.

During my time at art school I slowly started to loose my grounding in reality. I was eventually hospitalised and diagnosed as suffering from paranoid schizophrenia, a diagnosis that would scare anyone but one which helped me understand what was going on.

With help from my university I graduated one year late after taking time off to recuperate and finish written work I had neglected while unstable. It was a huge undertaking being on psychiatric medication and only just then learning how to deal with my condition.

With a degree in my back pocket I tried to be productive in my art but ultimately found myself working in a high street camera store “Oh how the mighty have fallen” one fellow student remarked after being served by me.

The problem was that I was not suited to the 9 to 5. The stress of work would compound my relapses making me seem flaky. My medication making it hard for me to wake up in the mornings making me tardy as well.

After loosing my job my parents helped fund a return to university to study computer science. Already interested in computing and the free software movement in particular I was inspired by the digital advances happening all around me. I had been an active follower of digital culture and the hacker underground over the years.

But the stress of study and several breakdowns and relapses would soon take their toll. Able to achieve high grades but unable to deal with the tight deadlines and heavy workloads along with my condition I dropped out of university.

All the while I would take pictures and flirt with putting them online on sharing sites like flickr. I would read books by Stallman and Lessig and understand the limits copyright placed on our creativity.

I made several video works using copyrighted music and would understand the dangers as well as the ludicrousness of the issue as my friends would download whole archives of music, TV and films for free.

But I understood that if I was to be on a sure footing I needed to be legit and be able to monetise my projects and not leave them as internet flotsam. I thought copyright would allow me to monetise my work. But the greater struggle was gaining the recognition as an artist to be taken seriously enough to be bought and sold.

So I came to the conclusion that my ability to work productively in a commercial context or as a freelancer was not tenable. It placed too high a monetary burden on me to support myself. I knew I would almost certainly be hampered by yet more breakdowns and relapses.

It already has effected my tentative steps to help out friends and charities with creative work. As soon as there are people relying on me my illness likes to remind me that I just can’t sustain the working life I need to pay the rent and I would need the support of a very understanding and patient employer if I was ever to get a lasting job.

Understanding being one of the hardest things to come by when you are faced with living with a mental health condition. My search for a employer that would understand continues.

So my plan? Is to give back to the community that has so inspired me, all the re-mixers, hackers and copyright activists who’s work I have followed for all these years.

I’m not a die hard. I am posting this on tumblr and hope to utilise flickr which I’m sure Stallman would baulk at but I hope to leverage as many free and open source tools as I can. I want to create great art and continue my commentary through my blog and my twitter. Not focusing on my condition but creating art and documenting the world through its distorted lens.

I want to release my art under creative commons licences simply because I need to give something back to the people who pay their taxes and keep me fed throughout my struggle. I realise that due to UK law I can not make money while receiving my out of work benefits. The system being so complex and convoluted that I don’t want to rock the boat. I fear the day I have to fill out another benefits form while ill. Or go to a job centre interview while suffering from hallucinations.

Even scarier is having to deal with these things in my window of clarity. Where I feel like I am undeserving of this ongoing support. Finding myself in the pits of another relapse soon enough but missing out on important funding that could make my life less painful.

I would love to come off benefits and make a name for myself in one field or another. But I need a cushion, I need people around me who I can inform about my struggle and who can be there to support me along the way.

I have been a lurker on the internet for long enough I feel it is time to contribute to this wonderful pool of talent. And by committing myself to be productive in my moments of clarity and releasing that work to you the public under licences that would allow you to share the work and my story.

I want to be a productive member of society and I have so often let down friends, clients and employers just as much as they have let me down. I hope to forge new links amongst the digital community and pave a new path.

With your support, by just bookmarking one of my digital outlets and following what I do I hope you can begin to enjoy the art and commentary I create and maybe one day be a vital part of getting me on my own two feet and earning the money I need to get by.

I pledge to keep on posting, creating and keeping my work available under a creative commons licence for the foreseeable future. I hope you enjoy what I post and spread the word about my very real struggle and my pledge to give back to the culture of the internet that kept me informed, educated and amused for all those years sat at my computer fighting off my demons.