Coffee + Snow

Nail Polish and Nicotine Stains - Chapter One

The John looks down at his feet. He had obviously seen her black eye and in the light of day her height and male body was more perceptible. She looked a mess.

Carrying a big canvas bag of dirty laundry Michelle walked on trying to ignore the discomfort of her one time client. She didn’t know what he was so afraid of until she saw his wife come out of the news-agents clutching a travel-card and a flake.

The john kept his eyes firmly on his wife as Michelle passed buy, heels clicking on the concrete beneath. Her life wasn’t what you would call hard. Her identical twin brother would keep a roof over her head even if he was prone to fits of violence and skimming her tips.

He wasn’t a bad pimp but kept her working the spot by Stoke Newington train station. Quiet residential streets at a right angle to the main road provided a good place to pull up and work her customers.

She had some regulars but it was common knowledge that hookers prowled around that spot and there was always fresh awkward middle aged men out for some sexual satisfaction.

Michelle dumped the canvas bag she had been carrying on to the bench by a free machine. The launderette her regular haunt after Michael refused to spring for a new washing machine.

She had saved enough money for a new one but when he had found her savings stash he took it and went on an almighty bender. He came home stinking of whiskey and skunk and an unsettling twitch in his left eye that said to her he had been snorting his fair share of coke.

He had beaten her black and blue that night. She is still unsure what she had done to deserve this. But apparently saving money was a no no. As he spat on her face her legs bent under her sprawled on the living room floor he had told her never to keep money from him again.

And she wouldn’t. At least where he could find it.

Michelle sat looking at all her underwear spinning around on a fast cycle and had a craving for a cigarette. She hadn’t smoked for two days and was trying to quit. She grimaced and immediately felt her black eye send a dull pain throughout her face.

She rooted through her handbag and pulled out a lighter and then finally a soft pack of Camels. She prided herself in being able to find all the most obscure brands of cigarettes from the most random corner shops around the borough.

She shook out a fresh cigarette and walked outside in to the bright but chilly autumn air. She lit up and leaned against the window, arms crossed with one foot out further than the other, her skirt fluttered as a breeze swung through the high road.

Michelle’s eyes were fixed on a wall across the street, it intersected with the raised railway line and in bold fresh paint she read the letters H.E.R.S. She pondered them for a moment, the Wild-style of lettering almost unreadable to the common passer by.

In the bright crisp autumn air the letters shone out high above the high road. She looked for any tags next to the burner that were obviously by the same author. A signifier of a crew or buddies that helped fill in outlines but she saw none.

“Hers” She mutters to herself as she stubbed out the camel on the runner for the shutters that grace every shop on this road. She sees the flecks of paint on the runner and wonders if there is any fresh paint on the shutters as well.

She had built up quite a picture of the crews and various falling outs and beefs between writers in her borough. The fury spelt out in letters and line outs, throw ups over burners and hate expressed in ink over toys pathetic attempts to get up.

She turned and went back into the relative warmth of the launderette, arms still crossed clutching at her overcoat. Doris the little old lady who ran the launderette was busying herself with a service wash, someone’s duvet, she folded the double duvet with speed her small figure dwarfed by the huge expanse of off white, slightly yellowed from age. It was soon reduced to a manageable size and forced into a large plastic hold all.

She looked up as she closed the dryer door but found nothing to occupy herself with. Times were tight and there weren’t many service washes these days it seemed. Just a slow dribble of the walking dead spending pennies to get their underwear in a respectable state once again.

Some stopped bothering. Doris let out a sigh and raised a smile as she noticed Michelle now sitting with her legs crossed in front of her machine.

“Getting cold…” Doris said with a strangely positive tone. If there was one thing you could guarantee with the British was talk of the weather.

“Colder than a witches tit” offered Michelle with a raised eyebrow. Too much? Doris seemed to suddenly freeze for a moment, obviously catching a glimpse of Michelle’s black eye. That or she took particular offense to the phrase, the first was more likely.

Doris shuffled along with the hold all and disappeared into the back. It wasn’t easy explaining her relationship with her identical twin. So alike but so different at the same time. Although they looked identical their gender preference and mannerisms made them worlds apart.

No one seemed to mistake one for the other, but when they were out together they would invite people to make a double take.

Growing up hadn’t been easy. They were treated the same as babies even their parents finding it difficult to tell them apart. They were always made to dress the same and given the same haircuts.

But for all their similarity their parents had quickly noticed a marked difference in their personalities. Michael was always looking after Michelle, standing up to bullies and over curious kids in the playground.

Michelle had welcomed Michael’s protective wing and would spend hours watching the girls play with all the other kids. She had been forced to dress like her brother but would go to great lengths to swap treats and snacks, toys and books for pieces of clothing with the girls.

Their parents always slightly bemused when Michael would bring back girls blouses and jackets that she had swapped on the playground through a complex system of exchanges. Once she had even managed to swap a Tintin book for a dress, her parents finding it stuffed in to the bottom of her school bag.

They hadn’t approved of this behaviour and would endeavour to return the items, but Michael would get angry and demand that Michael be allowed to keep what she had acquired. Eventually they gave up arguing and a year before Michael was supposed to go to art school they were encouraged to move out.

They hadn’t been easy kids to look after, and being foster parents wasn’t supposed to have been so complex. They remember those twins to this day and even think of them fondly but now they are both eighteen and out of their hair they can’t help but be a little relieved.

It wasn’t easy growing up as she had but she always had Michael to look after her. He had been over protective as a child but that soon turned sour as they matured.

Michael had gotten into drugs and realised that controlling Michelle suited him more that constantly looking after her. He had also grown bitter about looking after his chromosome dodger of a brother.

As kids he seemed to understand but as the teenage years set in he had grown more wary of Michelle’s femininity. He saw what a slut she was and how easily she was manipulated. He wasn’t the first but felt if anyone should be running her life it should be him.

They had goten a council flat together in Banister House and he would make sure she kept the place spotless during the day and walking the streets at night.

His love had turned into hate. He despised what he saw in her. How could they be so alike yet so different?

Michelle watched her knickers spin around tangled with Michael’s boxers with a blank stare. She knew she needed more money. Michael wouldn’t bring in much with his art and she had to survive somehow.

This black eye would cost her in custom and might even invite more violence. The dryer beeped and Michael snapped out of her trance. She loaded the clothes back into the canvas bag and turned to leave. She saw the autumn leaves get picked up by a rolling gust of air.

After the long walk back to the estate and four flights of stairs she was back at the flat, she folded her lingerie away and arranged Michael’s clothes as he liked them in his chest of drawers.

The old pentium box whirred into life as she sat down, 3 unread messages were blinking in her inbox. One had a job centre address. She knew immediately what it was and she bit her bottom lip as she examined the email.

Using the encoding she had given Mark she could make out that he had managed to clone three other job-centre control cards. The ones used by the employees to access the massive social security database.

All she needed was the data. She picked up her phone and began to text Mark. “5pm Thursday my place, he should be out. Bring the skimmer and don’t forget the memory card. I can work with what you have.”

She put the phone down and wondered how much security they could really build into a magnetic strip. It wasn’t the information on the card but how it interacted with the database. It shouldn’t be much more complex than the travel-card hack.

That had netted her a fair few pounds and left transport for London searching for ghosts all over the system. None of her clients had been caught, yet. Anonymity and a free pass to go where you wanted around London had been a popular selling point to her scam, Mark was a happy customer and that’s when he had enquired about the job centre cards.

Michelle turned off the machine and moved to the bathroom to run a bath. It would be another long cold night and she needed all the warmth she could get.

(Source: coffeeandsnow.com)


Public Facing - Open Coms

Origin unknown, sense likeness alien.
Jedi council respond, solar sail, simian.
Avoid pressure, back room deal, strife,
cant talk, run it by the robotic knife

Back channel, in, impress dazzle sing.
Honesty on display emotion resonate, sway.
Score an allegiance to love, pray.

Pleasure planet, no harm nor strife.
Scale up the seed bank; tower, knife.
Photon cave analysed, deflect taste.
Track, trace pick up the thread, bass.

Cloaks shine, glitch, bend; we have this, buy! Get them on the re-send.
Bubble bounce after the play dead, ounce.

Check your inputs, honey pots, gold.
Precious metals can’t be sold.
Analyse leeches, algorithms untold,
shape, weight, shimmer bold.

Public facing open coms, shields, attitude, where’s she from?



Weak mind, doesn’t understand primes,
heavy feels like water, shape dense,
flatter, play dumb, escort her? Sense.

Humble, bow, offer, indulge.
Play along, snort swoon tapes of old.
Younger, brasher out to impress her.
Hook, line, get ready to dash, mess her

Moans on loop, stop-start cough up the goop.
Trading warez, bare legs private com’s stares.
You want it? Collecting digits like a hobby, fidget

Larger than life, unpack fold,
shape like origami, unbreakable crypto sold!

Public facing open coms, shields, attitude, where’s she from?



Private view set, wood block print to cover that debt.
Wine, spying, electro magnetic dying.
Data-cave left, right: infinite loop - flying!

Painting my nails in a vain attempt to preen.
Never going to get that glamour girl look *dream*

Evil eye twisted, lazy motor skills dissed it.
Crazy hair like a half-arsed fro, shit got to split, go…

Missed it.

Public facing open coms, shields, attitude, where’s she from?

(Source: coffeeandsnow.com)


30th July - Queer Fayre at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern
If you don’t already know, I am a transgender mental health sufferer trying to fund my transition through selling my art. I would appreciate anyone in London on the 30th July to come along and for any of my followers to PLEASE reblog as I need all eye’s on this.
I will be at the Wotever Queer fayre selling hand printed photographs from a 20 year archive and unique photogram collages. Depending on interest I may bring artworks, drawings, paintings and various art prints. For a glimpse into my photography feel free to explore my Flickr and for a few examples of my art please peruse my blog. You can stalk me at my website where there is an email link if you want to ask about any of the work. Profits will go towards my transition which couldn’t happen soon enough. I hope to see you all soon!
<3 Mia View Larger

30th July - Queer Fayre at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern

If you don’t already know, I am a transgender mental health sufferer trying to fund my transition through selling my art. I would appreciate anyone in London on the 30th July to come along and for any of my followers to PLEASE reblog as I need all eye’s on this.

I will be at the Wotever Queer fayre selling hand printed photographs from a 20 year archive and unique photogram collages. Depending on interest I may bring artworks, drawings, paintings and various art prints. For a glimpse into my photography feel free to explore my Flickr and for a few examples of my art please peruse my blog. You can stalk me at my website where there is an email link if you want to ask about any of the work. Profits will go towards my transition which couldn’t happen soon enough. I hope to see you all soon!

<3 Mia


Southwark LGBT History Month

LGBT? Do you live, work or study in Southwark, London?

My amazing gay friend Dan has an awesome time sensitive project about Southwark’s (London, UK) LGBT youth.

He is having trouble finding Transgender, Genderqueer and also Lesbian youth to take part. Filming and interviews are taking place in London in the next few days.

______________________________

I’m making a film for Southwark’s LGBT History Month and it’s about celebrating the heroes / role models of young LGBT people.

This is a great opportunity to voice your thoughts on the heroes and role-models who’ve influenced you.

We want to make sure the full spectrum of LGBT young voices is being heard in Southwark. The heroes you choose may or may not be members of the LGBT community themselves - the aim of our film is to showcase the wide variety of people who influence our lives and celebrate the positive impact they’ve had.

The filming is really relaxed - it involves about an hour chatting and then 5 or 10 minutes with a camera.

The launch event is next Tuesday (1st Feb 2011) in the evening so it’s a tight deadline.

If you want to be involved contact Dan:

dan@osmogroup.com

+447812332815


Hip Hop in Heels Blew My Speakers

So a month or so ago I had a major relapse and had some profound realisations about myself. After hallucinating for a night I broke the wall of silence about the depth of my transgender feelings to one of my best friends.

I cried on the way home listening to my iPod on shuffle because he had been so supportive about it and I never expected that. I cried at home and then slept.

The next day I decided to get all dolled up and spin some vinyl to cheer myself up. If you have ever wondered what kind of hip hop a transgender person listens to then read on. I call this set “Hip Hop in Heels” It was a 100% vinyl mix mostly off 12” singles.

During the mix I had a tragic accident that resulted in a broken turntable lid, a fault with one of my cartridges and a blown speaker. They are being repaired at the moment as long as my insurance people sort it out and pay up. There are some dangers in mixing in heels luckily though my footwear wasn’t damaged.

Note that there are probably only two female artists in this mix. Personally I don’t find much music that speaks from my (female) voice and prefer to delight in everyone’s expression. Plus I have a crush on MANY rappers, did you know Big Daddy Kane did a photo shoot for Playgirl? I bet you didn’t *giggle* I think more rappers should follow suit!

I was still quite ill and felt the power of the music even stronger than normal. I also had a delusion that my best friends were trying to share my experience by tripping on acid in the neighbours garden. I was playing loud enough for the whole street to hear to be honest.


Hip Hop in Heels:

Flying Lotus - 1984 (not sure which track)
Diamond and the Psychotic Neurotics - Sally got a one track Mind
De La Soul - Stakes is High
DJ Day - Got to get it right (not sure what track)
Pete Rock - Back on the Block (DJ Krush RMX)
Invisible - Streets be testing you
Large Pro - The Beginning
Lords of the Underground - Flow On (New Symphony) Pete Rock Remix
De La Soul - Pressure
Jaylib - Strip Club
Flying Lotus Feat Declaim - Whole Wide World
Stetsasonic - Talking all that Jazz (Extended Vocal)
A Tribe Called Quest - Jazz (we’ve got) (re-recording)
Common - The Game
Bahambadia - Commonwealth (Cheap Chicks)
Pete Rock and C. L. Smooth - Lots of Lovin
Chubb Rock - Lost in the Storm (Marley’s Hip Hop Remix)
Grand Puba - Ya Know How it Goes
Big Daddy Kane - I’ll Take You There
Pete Rock and C. L. Smooth - They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y)
The Roots - The Seed
Big L - Street Struck
Black Star - Twice inna Lifetime
Jay Dee - Fuck the Police
Oh No - Beware feat. Cali Agents (DJ Mitsu the Beats Remix)
Atmosphere - They All Get Mad at You <—- tragic accident here
Blacksheep - The Choice is Yours (Revisited)
Nightmares on Wax - 70s 80s (The Scientist Remix 1)
Five Deez - Fugg That
Heralds of Change feat. Oddisee - Show You (or b side)
Kazi - A.V.E.R.A.G.E
The Pharcyde - Runnin’ (Jay Dee Estended Mix)
Quasimoto - Basic Instinct
Kev Brown - Always
Kidz in the Hall - Wheelz Fall Off
Black Milk - Shut it Down

If I ever buy all these tracks on mp3 (I can’t be bothered to rip them all I will put the mix on 8tracks.com in the mean time if anyone wants to take a crack at doing it for me then feel free. Some of the tracks are quite hard to find so be warned.


Belief is Optional

I find it strange that I can be overwhelmed with belief in the strangest things. Paranoid schizophrenia will do that to you and it will open up all kinds of doors. I can identify with religious types being so fond of their beliefs and why people find it so hard to change them.

Belief can be overwhelming and all encompassing. When I get ill I have to start thinking about parallel dimensions to steady my nerves so that I can simultaneously believe something far out and maintain my insight. I don’t always want to disprove my fantastical beliefs because they facilitate me in expressing parts of me that otherwise would be buried.

I was born with, I hope, only two misplaced beliefs. That I should want to have sex solely with women and that I was a man. Although I have “known” that these beliefs were false from my first realisation that anything could be otherwise I found them hard to shake off, not because they are true but because it is part of a socially accepted comfort zone.

I knew these beliefs were misplaced before I fell ill. But my illness breaks through all the barriers I have acquired to expressing the alternative to these fundamental beliefs. In normal life I am only scratching at the surface but in a relapse the walls are torn down and I can be free.

There are delusions and hallucinations that can trouble me and I know where they come from but I can also gauge their accuracy by my responses to them. If I’m blissed out and loving every minute, perhaps I am exploring something that resonates with me. If it makes me angry, hurt or scared then maybe it is not so important to my well being although it can be something I need to address in some way but aren’t ready for, the idea of surgery was like that for a while.

I find schizophrenia a lot like tripping on LSD, you can have a bad trip or a good trip. The only point is it is all coming from within, there is less of an artificial filter, wacky visuals etc… I also suspect that the more you have going on in your subconscious the more intense a trip or relapse will be.

Too many people think of madness and drug use to other worldly. I find it rooted in our desires, fears and emotions. The positive side of having such a mental health problem and retaining so much insight into my condition means I know what makes me tick and what I need to be or express in reality.

If you had a catholic upbringing and had no great trauma buried in your subconscious except the “sins” you committed or struggled with. No matter how minor they were, you might end up having profound religious experiences when ill. Seeing the devil etc… Others may just have bog standard paranoia not really related to anything.

If you had watched too many thrillers maybe you would start believing you were in a spy novel. Illness can also become an echo chamber when without a plot. My theory is that our experiences colour our madness and my deep rooted hot topics were about sexuality and gender. Thus they became interwoven into most of my delusions and hallucinations

Having a very progressive upbringing didn’t stop the two fundamental beliefs that I must love women and that I am a man, becoming deeply rooted. They both ultimately played a part in my confusion and I had trouble expressing both as they were prescribed from a young age.

I feel this prescription was handed to me by my family, my peers and the media. I feel my sexuality was coloured mostly by my peers but my gender was sadly coloured by family also. The media is a major culprit in both stereotypes although I have strong memories of all the times I saw trans women treated seriously by the media but they were few and far between.

I view my male body as a secondary player in this game of stereotypes. If assumptions weren’t so easily made I might have had the confidence to express myself at an earlier age.

I have had so many profound experience in my life pointing out that the truth may lie in the opposite direction that I sometimes ponder my sanity for ignoring them or giving up after half hearted attempts at exploration. I sometimes wonder what kind of experience it would take to shake a religious persons faith when so many people are willing to feed their delusion.

So many fundamentally religious types are regularly being fed more of the same by their organised religions and those that profit from them. Their belief is easy. What did I have growing up except the idea that transgressing gender was funny at best and nothing more, not fit for the reality of daily life.

I didn’t have my transgender equivalent to Fox news, I didn’t have the gay version of the Daily Mail to feed my particular bent. I had to make do and build my own idols. I had to find my own path. Now that I am looking at the path I know I must walk as far as my freshly shaved legs will take me because my subconscious certainly wont let go of the fundamental truth.

I need to change the way I see myself and how I express myself and fight the years of conditioning that have been heaped on. I have to fight the beliefs of others as well as my own. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel but it’s hard to walk alone.

We can believe what we want but we must be aware that if our subconscious keeps throwing up warning flags we should take notice. Too many people walk around in a waking daze while others are in touch with their true self as well as their desires and identity.

I think it’s important to realise that if something you believe was handed to you by your upbringing or schooling and not by your own experiences and it holds you back from expressing something positive inside you then don’t ignore it, embrace it.

For too long I have looked for acceptance or a chance to prove my point because it is society that fed me those beliefs. Apparently I felt I had to prove myself to everyone to make it all square. But in reality the fight is going on inside me and all I have to do is accept myself and my desires and cast those pre-packaged beliefs aside.

Belief is optional…